OneMillionMoms

So something interesting happened just now. I read an article about onemillionmoms.com. It's a website devoted to OneMillionMoms, a "Christian" organization that sends e-mails to big companies that support things they think are bad. For example: Ben & Jerry's new "Schweddy Balls" ice cream flavor.

So I joined their club. I signed up for their newsletter and looked at their homepage to see what they're bitching about this week. turns out, they're bitching about Dancing With the Stars. Apparently, they're upset that the show took a couple minutes to explain the fact of Chaz Bono's transgender status, and exactly what that means. There's a link at the bottom of the page to e-mail the show's advertisers and express your discontent.

So I clicked it. Here's the standard e-mail that was pre-written so I could just enter my info and click "send":

As a mom and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am deeply disappointed that you are supporting the inappropriate, politically correct program "Dancing with the Stars" which airs Monday and Tuesday nights on ABC at 8:00 p.m/7:00 Central.

This show is extremely descriptive in its transgender discussions and its casual approach to homosexuality when children are likely watching.

The overtly-sexualized show is offensive in how it portrays this lifestyle as glamorous and in a positive light, when in fact it is damaging to impressionable young men and women.

You have choices about what you support, just as I have choices about where to spend my hard-earned money.

As a consumer, I am asking you to stop your company's advertising support of this show. My decision to support your company depends on it.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

I thought it was nice of them to have something all ready to go, but you know me. I can’t let somebody else write copy for me. So here's the e-mail I sent:

As a soon-to-be father and a member of the church of the flying spaghetti monster, I will be deeply disappointed if you give in to the inappropriate, hateful demands of "OneMillionMoms," in regards to their petty outrage over the recent premiere of Dancing With the Stars.

They are essentially a terrorist organization, and want to control the way America thinks and prays by forcing Christianity on all of us.

This overtly religious group is offensive in that they portray something as innocuous as the transgender culture as sinful and damaging, when in fact it is completely harmless (except to their religious powerbase).

You have choices about what you support, just as I have choices about where to spend my hard-earned money.

As a consumer, I am asking you to pay no heed to the outcries made by this ridiculous group of uber-cons, though my decision to support your company will continue to be based solely on my own perception of the quality of your goods and/or services.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

Sincerely,

Andrew Bowman

I thought it clever of me to use the resources of this terrorist organization in such a manner, and will continue to do so every week when they post a new "thing we've got our bras twisted about this week."

But that's not the interesting bit. The interesting bit is that I got a RESPONSE. Not from OneMillionMoms, but from Kohl's, one of the companies who's executives I supposedly e-mailed. Here's what the response said:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for contacting us!

We have received your inquiry and are assigning it to a representative. You can expect to receive a response from us within one business day.

To help track your inquiry we have generated a reference number. Your ticket code is LTK5810322542X. Please use this code in any further communication.

I don't know what "executive" OneMillionMoms thinks they're e-mailing over at Kohl’s, but I'm pretty damn sure he doesn’t work in the customer support department. I'm not sure if OneMillionMoms are idiots or a front setup by said advertisers to stem the tide of e-mails from pissed off conservatives (which would be f*$@ing brilliant, by the way). Or if said advertisers have simply dealt with this so often that they now automagically redirect executive e-mail accounts to CSRs for triage.

Now that I know for sure that they don’t screen the e-mails people send from their website, I can do all kinds of crazy-ass stuff. In addition to sending encouraging messages to the people that they’re protesting, I could send… I dunno. Porn? would that be funny? Sending porn through the Customer Support system of several big companies in the name of OneMillionMoms.com? I’d have to create a dummy e-mail of course. Hmm… Anybody got any ideas?

Things I want my children to learn from watching South Park

I love South Park. I watch it all the time. It’s one of the two things (the other is Star Trek) that I miss by not having cable. I don’t remember the circumstances, but my mom recently told me she hates South Park. I think that’s sad. Furthermore, I think it’s because she thinks it’s about the outlandish antics of four nine-year-old boys from Colorado. It is. But only insomuch as Star Trek is about the outlandish misadventures of a prickish spaceship captain and his two best friends. That is ostensibly the one-sentence plot of the show. But Star Trek is really about tolerance, equality, doing the right thing even when it’s against the rules, and turning to thievery and brigandhood whenever things don’t go your way.

So it is with South Park. It’s incredibly cliché to say, but South Park is about America. It’s about all the things that make America great, and all the things that make Americans retarded. Seriously, if you’re bored one night and want some intellectual stimulation in humorous form, load up your Netflix instant queue and watch a couple episodes of South Park. Not the first one. If you don’t like it, you don’t get it.

So when my kids are… I dunno, in third grade, I’m going to let them watch South Park. They won’t get it, but they’ll love it. When they’re older, they’ll start to understand it, the same way I’ve come to understand Star Trek and advanced math now that I’m actually old enough for them. And here’s the (short) list of things I hope they learn from it:

Jesse Jackson is NOT the emperor of black people (no matter what your dad says). There is no one individual to whom you can apologize for saying “nigger” on Wheel of Fortune to make everything okay.

Cancer is a disease. Addiction is a choice. Pity the addict all you want, but understand that he chose to be where he is. You don’t just happen to become addicted to something just by minding your own business. You become addicted to something by intentionally doing it far more often than you should. Your only disease is chronic stupidity.

Sometimes you need to risk physical injury to take a stand for what's right. When you do (or don’t do) something because someone threatened to hurt you if you don’t (or do), you’re worse than they are. They’re bad. No doubt. But you’re just enabling them and sending the message that that kind of shit will work. You give Americans a bad name and you’re the reason the rest of the White world hates us.

Watching the Food Network all day doesn't make you qualified to do anything except talk about how badly Bobby Flay needs a new haircut. It doesn’t make you a gourmet chef. It doesn’t make you a food critic. it means you know what food looks like that somebody else thinks is good (or bad).

Sometimes it's more important to live your life than to photograph it.

Putting someone else's wiener in your mouth absolutely makes you gay. Putting your wiener in someone else’s mouth makes you equally gay.

When Kyle's mom gets a bug up her ass about something, get out of the way or you'll only make things worse. Fighting her will only strengthen her resolve. Just pretend to give her what she wants to shut her up.

Jesus was a cool guy. It's his modern-day followers who are assholes.

Don't ever do anything just because "it's the way things are done." Don’t ever do something just because everybody else is doing it. If all your friends start doing crack, it’s time to find some new friends. That really sucks, but life’s a bitch sometimes.

Sometimes it's good to apologize, even if you think you didn't do anything wrong. Even if you know you’re right and the other person is wrong, sometimes it’s worth saying you’re wrong just to smooth things over (sometimes).

When a man undergoes gender transformation surgery, he doesn't become a woman. He becomes a man who looks like a woman. A man who undergoes species transformation surgery isn’t a dolphin. He’s a man who mildly resembles a dolphin. You’re born a man or you’re born a woman. If you don’t like it: tough shit.

Americans have big penis. Much bigger than Japanese penis.

Being gay isn't a choice. If you think it is, try it. What’s your favorite color? Mine’s green. I don’t want it to be green. I want it to be purple. But when I’m asked to choose the color something’s going to be, I generally want it to be green. I also like having sex with women. It doesn’t matter how much I might want to like having sex with other men: I won’t like it.

It's not okay to say "nigger" outside of academic debate. If there are no black people around, it’s probably okay. But you better make damn sure. Because Daddy’s not going to save you when you get in trouble for it.

Sexual education is a thing they do at school because most parents are woefully unqualified.

Gingers aren't real people, by reason of the lack of a soul. In the hierarchy of living things, gingers are on the somewhere between intelligent animals (gorillas, dogs, dolphins, etc) and other Human Beings. Don't mis-understand: They're Humans, just not people.

Sexism and racism are wrong in any form. It's not okay to say it's bad for a man to sexually harass a woman, but perfectly acceptable for a woman to likewise harass a man. Either it's okay or it's not (and that depends on your definition of harassment). It’s not okay that there are clubs explicitly only for black people, but if white folks have such a club, it’s (literally) a federal matter. That’s not okay. You can’t fight fire with fire, and you can’t fix racism with more racism.

English is a living language. It evolves and grows as society changes. Look up the etymology and history of "fag." Really look it up though. Don't just assume you already know what I'm talking about.

Hippies are a blight on our country even today. We must all take responsibility for ending the threat they pose to our capitalist way of life.

Remembering Star Wars Galaxies

Image via Wikipedia

There are two things I always remember on July 4th every year. First is my great-grandfather. We always have fireworks on the 4th for his birthday. The second thing is the fireworks at the Theed spaceport on Naboo.

On the 4th of July, every hour on the hour, we used to get together at every spaceport in the game and shoot of fireworks. It was a great event. Low-level crafters got some xp by making fireworks, and made a little money selling them. It was a great community event and I’m both sad and happy that this will be the last time it will ever happen.

I’m sad because it’s something that I used to do with all my friends and it’s over now. I’m happy because the abomination that has been called Star Wars Galaxies for the past few years since SOE wrecked the game I loved is finally getting the axe.

In the aftermath of the huge security scandal when the Playstation Network (and every other network operated by Sony Online Entertainment) was hacked and user data stolen, Sony has finally decided that SWG just isn’t worth the money to keep the game’s servers running. Right when I was about to give it a second chance. Oh well. I’m sure I’m better off not ever trusting Sony with my credit card information.

Oh well. Back to dreaming of the day when SWG emu will finally be released and I can play good ol’ Galaxies again. For free. Without the fear that anyone will break it again.

Windows Live Writer

Don’t use it. It sucks. Hard. I just wrote up a big long blog entry, then the thing just quit on me. Didn’t save my document first; just quit. Gave me a friendly little message saying “Hi! Fuck you! I quit! Okay?! Bye!” Piece of shit. This is not the first time this has happened. Don’t use Windows Live Writer. I’m just so pissed off right now I can barely spell.

Anybody know of an alternative? I need a Windows application that will publish to my blog. I need it to process html and java so I can put embedded objects (like YouTube videos) in my blog posts. It would be nice if it could put metatags on my posts as well, which Live Writer has never been able to do.

Movie Time

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So yesterday Kerry and I watched movies on Netflix all day. Two of them were The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Kick-Ass. Both pretty awesome; both featuring Nicolas Cage. I’ll start with Kick-Ass.

Part Daredevil, part Superbad. Kick-Ass is a “superhero” who doesn’t actually have any super powers. I won’t spoil the movie for you, but he’s just barely super-human. Not because of any gamma radiation or mutated animal encounter.

But before I really get into it, here’s the first thing: I don’t care what anybody tells you. This movie is NOT FOR KIDS. If you’re not old enough for high school, you’re not old enough for Kick-Ass. If you’re not old enough to buy beer, you’re not old enough to watch Kick-Ass without your mommy. This is a grown-up film for grown-up Humans. Not surprising, since the graphic novel it’s based on is similarly targeted. Mark Millar doesn’t write comic books for kids, and movies based on his work are likewise rated for big boys only. If you wouldn’t let your 9-year-old watch Wanted or 300, you shouldn’t let him watch Kick-Ass. Just because this movie is largely about an 11-year-old girl doesn’t mean 11-year-old girls should watch it.

At any rate, Kick-Ass chronicles the adventures of a high school kid who doesn’t understand why there aren’t real superheroes. Scratch that. He understands why there aren’t real superheroes. He doesn’t understand why there aren’t more people who try to be superheroes. Batman, after all, is a totally plausible story. No super powers; just insanely rich with a highly developed sense of justice. Ditto Punisher. Along for the ride are the team of eleven-year-old “Hit Girl” and ex-cop “Big Daddy.”

As with anything written by Mark Millar, the story seems to derive directly from common childhood fantasies, tempered with an adult sense of how the world really works. There’s no real Batman largely because nobody with enough money to be Batman gives a shit about the crime in New York City. Expert martial artists (who don’t have Batman money) don’t dress up in costumes and fight crime because they can make a lot more money as hollywood stunt men. Or because they’re afraid of guns. But wouldn’t the world be a more interesting place if people like that did that sort of thing? Not all of them; just one or two here and there. I mean: wouldn’t a lot of petty criminals give at least a second thought if there was a real Batman?

That seems to be the rationale behind Kick-Ass. Also like other things written by Mark Millar, people die in Kick-Ass. And they don’t get shot ambiguously just off-camera. They get stabbed, sliced in half, blowed up in a microwave and thrown off buildings. Oh yeah. And they get shot.

The one detrimental thing I would say about Kick-Ass is that it’s too much about the hero and not enough about the alter-ego. Spiderman was great because it wasn’t really about Spiderman. It was about Peter Parker. Kick-Ass is a movie about high school nerds who never get shoved in their lockers, pantsed in gym class or thrown in a dumpster by the football team. They talk about “we’re such nerds and the cool kids always pick on us.” But there’s precious little footage of anyone actually getting picked on.

Here’s an analogy: What if Harry Potter just happened to take place at Hogwart’s, and you never heard about any of the actual school things that happened at the school? Would it still be a good story? Sure. But it wouldn’t be as good. One of the large factors that made Harry Potter great was its new twist on an old story. It’s the same basic story as Ender’s Game, Horatio Hornblower, Glee or Dune (say “Star Wars” and I will kick your ass. But yes, that fits too). It’s the same old “growing up different” story in a fantastic setting.

I feel like Kick-Ass is a growing up story where nobody actually does any of the usual kinds of growing up. Don’t get me wrong: all the characters learn things, and by the end of the story they’ve all grown. But we don’t follow anybody from childhood to adulthood. Nobody graduates into a new, profound understanding of humanity; nobody has a seminal moment of “so THAT’S how the world works.” It almost feels like an introduction to the beginning of a growing up story.

I guess that’s not really a negative; just something that struck me as odd about the movie. Maybe it’s different in the book. I’ll have to read it. Without having read the book, I give Kick-Ass five stars. Once I read the book, I’m sure I’ll downgrade it to a three.

Now, the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. There have been a lot of reboots and retellings as of late, and why should Uncle Walt be left out of the fun? Granted, this is the first full-length feature in the franchise, but we all know the original apprentice had big ears and a pointy, blue hat.

In contrast to Kick-Ass, this movie absolutely is for kids. I would feel totally comfortable letting a 9-year-old watch the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. They might not follow it all the way through, but there’s certainly a lack of objectionable content (it’s Disney; It’s kosher).

To sum up, the film follows the adventures of David, the apprentice of Balthazar, a former apprentice of Merlin. David is a molecular physics major who plays with tesla coils a lot. Balthazar is a very old wizard who’s spent centuries searching for the perfect apprentice.

One of the cool things about this film is how magic is portrayed similarly to the way it is in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels. “A carefully placed thumb on the scales of the universe.” Magic isn’t really magic. It’s just science that most of us can’t grasp. That was kinda cool.

The effects are well-done, the acting was good (Alfred Molina is always awesome), and the plot was good as well. The dialogue was a little dry, but it was okay.

And yes, there is a mop scene with lots of water splashing all over the place. Fantasia fanatics: be placated.

Heroes

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Once upon an NBC, there was some great television. It was the best rip-off of X-Men that has ever been. It was about a group of what can only be described as mutants that were supposedly the next step in Human evolution. Loved that show, almost cried the day it got cancelled.

Anyway. You all know I only blog about something that’s pissing me off. So here it is. The entire series is now available to watch instantly on Netflix. Awesome. I’m watching it right now, as a matter of fact. One hiccup. Those sons of bitches “fixed” it. Nothing major, but totally breaks my immersion in the show.

When the show was on TV, every episode started with a monologue, usually by either Sendhil Ramamurthy or Erick Avari. That was all the recap anybody ever needed. Apparently, on the DVD edition of the show, the producers decided that wasn’t enough.

So now there’s an actual recap before the monologue, in which some dude with a deep, gravelly voice (that’s getting old, by the way) begins HIS monologue with “previously on Heroes.” But it doesn’t just end there. He does a full voice-over during the whole half-minute clip show. Aggravating: especially since they do a recap DURING THE SHOW. It’s okay if you don’t remember what you just watched five minutes ago, or an hour ago, or yesterday, because they’re going to do a flashback DURING THE SHOW. That’s one of the things that made Heroes great. You could miss an episode and not worry that you’d miss some crucial event, because anything that was important enough would get into a flashback, or (and this was my favorite method) they would replay the last scene of each storyline.

But I digest. My point is this: Heroes ain’t broke and never was. It was the awesomest show on television as long as it was running. It was deep, it was followable, and it shared none of the pitfalls common to contemporary science fiction (horrible acting, brain-dead director, artless writers, overbearing producers, crap story). I’m just perturbed that the producers felt that the show didn’t stand well enough on its own and needed to be appended in the form of a voiced-over recap at the beginning of each episode. And I’m further perturbed that they didn’t get any members of the actual cast to just throw off a quick “previously, on Heroes.”

Look. It’s been a long time since I’ve watched Heroes, and maybe I’m remembering it wrong. If I am… my point still stands. This blog entry is just a few years late.

CL4P-TP video.

Not as funny as everyone is making it out to be, but funny. And super cool. I would totally do this for a fan if I ran a video game studio. It goes to 720p, so crank it up and fullscreen it.

Here’s the full story. I was going to post a link to the story on Steam, but their website really, really blows. You’d think with the amount of money they make (about $970 million in 2010) and the number of people they pay (13) they’d have a functioning website. Oh well.

PS Turns out, the story on the Steam site is a re-blog of the one I’m linking here anyway, so you’re not missing anything.

Also on Steam this week: check out Universe Sandbox. I’m downloading the demo as we speak.