The Founding Fathers

It seems everywhere in US politics today, people are bitching and moaning about “what the founding fathers intended.” Well, here it is. I’m going to break the story. I know precisely, with no ambiguity or uncertainty, what the founding fathers intended.

They intended the government to be able to change to meet the needs of the day. Essentially, they knew that the government they put together 250 years ago wouldn’t work forever. It was what they needed at the time, so it’s what they did. What they needed then is not the same as what we need now.

So let’s stop bickering about “what the founding fathers wanted.” They wanted to be free of England and to construct a political system that could evolve to fit the needs of an evolving nation. Well, that’s not what we need any more. America knows who she is now, and it’s time to move out of Uncle Sam’s place (Uncle Sam who, btw, went down to the tavern every night with Uncle Tom and got positively hammer-headed).

Exactly how old should a nation be before they have their first revolution (I don’t want to get into a debate about this, but the first one was technically a successful rebellion, not a revolution. A revolution is when you replace the government. We didn’t. We seceded from Great Britain, who’s government remains to this day)? Seriously. We’re 235 this year. Can we move out of the basement and find our own place now? It’s great that our parents laid down all these rules to make sure we would learn how to play nice with all the other kids, but I think we’re old enough to start making our own mistakes.

So please. For the love of God. Can we stop arguing about what our founders intended? Because (a) they wrote it in plain, simple English specifically to avoid mis-interpretation and (b) what they wanted was for us to have a government that would meet our needs, regardless of how the world around us changed.

Even with this great constitution, every page of which says “change this when it doesn’t make sense any more,” we still have a religious government (yay two-party system!), a political system that essentially has no left hand (srsly. When half your country thinks gays shouldn’t be allowed in the military, and the other half debates them instead of calling them retards and going on about the business of running a country, Rome only just fell three or four centuries ago), and what’s been threatening to turn into an unabashed police state for almost ten years. So maybe we do still need some guidance from somewhere. It’s just too bad that we think we’re the hottest shit in the bowl and won’t listen to what anybody else says. This whole manifest destiny thing was cool when we had a whole continent to discover, but now it’s just pathetic.

Andy’s Stovetop Mac & Cheese (with beer)

Okay. Here’s what you will need:

4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter

1 lb. pasta (I use Rotini or Fusilli)

1 quart + 1 cup buttermilk (regular milk might work, but buttermilk taste much cheesier)

Two beers. I have only used lager, but other kinds might work. I would recommend against stout (ie, Guiness), unless you want beer-flavored Mac & Cheese

Cheese. Lots of cheese. Probably about a pound, but use your judgment. I like to go to Big Y and buy their “Cheese ends for mac n cheese.” I buy two and throw away half of what I buy because it’s american or swiss or something else I don’t want f*&#ing up my flavor. This time I used almost all cheddar with a handful (literally) of pecorino romano (I said “pecker”).

Salt (a few dashes)

Pepper (a (1) dash)

lots of Garlic (I used powdered, but I’m trying minced next time)

Classic Rock. And none of that “soft” crap. Bad Company, Queen, Journey, Foreigner, AC/DC or Rolling Stones are all good. Joan Jett is also okay. Tom Petty, Credence, Metallica, Neil Young, Simon & Garfunkel and Elton John are unacceptable (yes, I just put Metallica in the same category as Neil Young). The Eagles are okay, but no Desperado and no Lyin’ Eyes. This is a key ingredient.

If you don’t like classic rock, electronica is allowed. but no Erasure and no Portishead. Yes, I love Portis head as much as the next bloody-wristed, tongue-pierced teenager, but they’re no good for cooking. Frank Klepacki is good, as are Massive Attack and Bassnectar. Daft Punk is almost mandatory.

My stove is an electric stove. It goes from 1-10. I won’t explain this again later, so look back up here if you forget that “5” means middle heat.

This is a “never leave the stove” recipe. Gather everything you need beforehand, because if you leave this alone for a minute, I don’t know what will happen. Chuck Norris might show up and kick you in the face, or it might be totally okay. I stir it constantly throughout cooking. You’ve been warned.

Commence to rock. Start the music, but no singing and no dancing yet. Blast it. If you’re not afraid of the neighbors, it’s not loud enough.

I use a big soup pot, but you could probably get away with a large sauce pan or something similar. In this, melt the butter. I set my stove to 5 to melt the butter and leave it there for most of the process.

While the butter is melting, crack open a beer and begin to consume. Don’t chug. Just drink leisurely. You will likely get through two beers for this recipe.

Once the butter is melted, wait just until it starts to sizzle. Pour in about a third of the buttermilk. It’s going to separate. don’t worry about it. The buttermilk is basically going to separate into cheese curd and water. It’s okay. Stir it a lot to try to keep the butter from separating out. It will separate a little, but stir it anyway.

Begin dancing, but not heavily. Just bop to the music a bit. You’re cooking for God’s sake. don’t go nuts, you’ll spill something. No singing yet.

Once the mixture begins to boil, start stirring in the rest of the buttermilk, but keep one cup out. Once you’ve stirred in all but one cup of the buttermilk, add three to five dashes of salt, one (1!) dash of black pepper, and a few shakes (not too many) of garlic powder.

Keep stirring. It is now acceptable to begin singing to the music. Don’t hurt yourself. You’re not Brian Johnson and you’re not Freddie. You could seriously injure yourself trying to be.

Once the sauce (yes, you’re making cheese sauce) starts to boil, start stirring in the cheese a little bit at a time. The first time I made this, I used WAY too much cheese, and it broke. The cheese stayed in a glob at the bottom and it was really hard to keep it mixed together. So stir it constantly, and when the cheese starts to clump up at the bottom, add the last cup of buttermilk and that should offset it enough to in-break it.

If you haven’t finished your first beer yet, do so now.

Open your second beer and pour the first ounce or two into the sauce. Stir. Add a bunch more garlic. Sorry about being vague through all this, but I don’t keep track of how much I use. I do it to taste and smell. If you don’t like garlic, don’t add very much. If you do (like me), upend the bottle (but not literally. I just mean use a lot).

Stir that for a few minutes. You should now be both singing and dancing with your music. If the neighbors haven’t registered a noise complaint, you’ve ruined the sauce. Dump it down the drain and start over.

Once the sauce has begun to barely boil, turn the heat down to 3 1/2 (three and a half, not half of thirty-one). Stir in the raw pasta. DON’T COOK THE PASTA AHEAD OF TIME. I mean, you could, but then it won’t soak up the nice cheese sauce you’ve just made. Stir it to make sure the pastas completely covered by the sauce. Any pasta that isn’t submerged won’t cook.

It will take… a number of minutes for the pasta to cook. During this time, consume your second beer and continue to dance/sing. When the cops show up, show them this recipe, explain the situation, and offer them a beer. They won’t take it: they’re on duty. But you’re a nice guy, so offer it anyway.

When the pasta is cooked (you’ll know because the one you eat will be not crunchy any more), remove the whole mess from the heat. That means put it on a cold burner, not just turn off the heat (but turn off the heat as well).

If you’re going to eat this right now, let it sit for about ten minutes so the sauce can thicken. If you’re going to eat it in twenty minutes to an hour, heat your oven to about 300 and stick the whole pot in there until you’re ready for it. Too long in the oven will totally dry up the sauce (happened to me just now). If your going to eat it tomorrow, throw it away and start fresh tomorrow. Dumbass.

If you have leftovers, shame on you. Eat it up. But if you just can’t choke it down, stick it in the fridge. It’s just as good re-heated (not like that Kraft crap that gets al… rubbery in the microwave).

duck song

So…. Here. Watch this.

Now watch this.

And finally, here ya go: part three. This one’s different. I promise.

 

So I was on tinychat with some folks from Kongregate and one thing lead to another, tits were shone, and a guy had to sing a song. So he started the Duck Song video and sang along with it. It was funny. So I thought I’d share that magnificence with you all. Enjoy the Duck songs.

The Matrix?

I just finished watching The Matrix Trilogy. Wow. I forgot how badly it sucks. Lemme splain. First movie: awesome. I’ll watch it any time you want. Second movie: ditto. Adds some really interesting stuff to the story and makes it more interesting. Third movie: f*#$ing awful. Every bit as bad as Attack of the Clones, but for somewhat different reasons.

First, let’s begin with the premise of the entire series. Why does the Matrix even exist to begin with? Human beings don’t need to be awake to produce body heat and electricity, which is why the machines need us. So why not do what the Tleilaxu do to their axlotl tanks and chemically lobotomize them to keep them in a vegetative state? For that matter, why bother with human beings at all? Why not use moose? Or whales? Both bigger than humans and therefore produce more heat. Why bother with the crumbs when you can have the feast?

Okay. Setting aside the fact that the Matrix serves no purpose, let’s move on. Neo, as explained by the architect, is the inevitable result of the mathematical process that is the Matrix. That in itself necessitates that Neo is not a real person. He’s a mathematical quantity. He’s a computer program, just like Smith. Coupled with the fact that he retains his superpowers outside of the Matrix, the only logical explanation is: Matrix squared. Matrix within a Matrix.

Again setting aside the fact that the existence of the Matrix makes no sense whatsoever, let’s assume that the purpose of the Matrix is as explained: keep humanity docile. make us believe everything is as it should be. Wouldn’t it be absolutely essential to have a redundancy? Do you really suppose that a machine society would not deal with humanity under the basic principle of “shit happens”? Life is unpredictable, so you need to account for every possible eventuality, including the possibility that the humans you missed in the first place are going to mount a resistance. Or, in this case, since we didn’t miss any, that they will somehow discover what’s going on. So: let them escape. They’ll think they’ve won. Only they haven’t, because they’re still in the over-matrix.

If that’s not the case, how the hell does Neo have superpowers outside the Matrix?

Next: Neo kills Smith, and dies in the process. Exactly what motivates the machines to not destroy Zion? The fact that the made a deal?! Are you f*&%ing kidding me?! You don’t not destroy the one thing that could possibly destroy you because you made a deal with it. Well, maybe a person does, because a person understands things like honor and friendship. Computers don’t have friends. They have “others with whom they interact,” and they don’t do anything just because they said they would. That is completely and utterly ridiculous. They say what they need to say to get their adversaries to do what they want, then strike when they’re weak.

So… I dunno. I just felt the need to vent, and here’s as good a place as any.