If you’re my grandma, stop reading now. Skip this one. Take a day off from loving everything I write.
Is grandma gone? Good.
If one more person calls uses the phrase “silver screen” to refer to the modern motion picture industry, I’m going to eat a baby. I’m going to marinate it in a soy ginger sauce, barbecue it on the Charmglow grill in the courtyard outside my apartment, and eat it with some broccoli and rice. STOP CALLING IT THE SILVER SCREEN!!!
This has been pissing me off for a long time, but I’ve just had a bottle of wine and just read a synopsis on Netflix that called Eddie Izzard a star of the silver screen. I’m going to fucking murder a puppy and broil it with some bacon. I’m going to put a baby racoon’s head on the side of the curb and stomp on it. I’m going to shoot a howler monkey in the eye with a high-caliber handgun and then punt it off a bridge.
Let me be clear. The “silver screen” is a phrase that was used to refer to movies when the screen was, ya know, FUCKING SILVER!!! Black & white. Humphrey Bogart was a star of the silver screen. Brad Pitt is not. It was called the silver screen because a black and white movie looks like it’s being projected on a screen that is literally silver.
Now that motion pictures are filmed and displayed in color, you can’t call it that anymore. You can call it the big screen. You can’t call it the silver screen, because it’s not fucking sliver.
Grandma, if you read all that: Sorry, but I warned ya.