I was reading the Google reader and made a comment about the constitutional right of women to be topless in public. In a total non-sequitor, that comment led me to declare that the lesson of the movie Braveheart is “it’s okay to kill people if they cockblock you.”
That got me thinking. What other movies (or books) have hidden morals that people might have missed? Here are just a few that I was able to come up with. Some of them are better than others. Some of them aren’t very good and you should replace them with better ones.
Donnie Darko: Don’t time travel. If you do, the pedophiles won’t get caught.
Star Wars: Always get tested first. She might be your sister.
Blade Runner: Androids are people too.
Boondock Saints: It’s okay to kill people, as long as you pray right after.
Conan the Barbarian: If you have sex with a witch, throw her in the fire. It’s the only way to prevent conception.
Dances With Wolves: Never trust a paleface.
Hannibal: Be nice to cannibals and anyone they consider friends.
Harry Potter: Don’t let your friends get in your way. Being a hot-headed prick who never listens to anyone will see you through any hardship.
Ironman: With enough money, all of your problems will just go away.
Jaws: Sharks understand complex abstracts like “vendetta.”
Kingdom of Heaven: Calling a man a knight automagically endows him with years of fighting experience and rigorous training in the art of war.
The Lord of the Rings: Giant Eagles are good for carrying small, lightweight things like hobbits away from volcanoes to safety, but not for carrying heavy, bulky things like rings from safety to volcanoes.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Pirates aren’t all bad. Some of them are just pegged by association.
Pearl Harbor: We can’t make a big-budget, small-quality film about 9/11 until 2060.
Pride & Prejudice: All a woman really needs is to find herself a man (say what you want, that’s what it’s about).
Rent: Able-bodied starving artists who both refuse to get a job and fail to produce any actual art are courageous, not pathetic.
Troy: A woman is worth going to war over because each one is a special little snowflake.
Phantom of the Opera: Write her all the operas you want. The girl will always choose the rich guy over the artist.
Up: In marriage, the real adventure doesn’t begin until one of you is dead.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: Never take your dad on a business trip.
ET: Hide things from your parents. It’ll all work out. Probably.
Die Hard: Always wear shoes.
So, That’s what I’ve got after letting them sit in my head for a couple weeks (and some input form Kerry). Who’s got more?