Why You Shouldn’t Bother With Southern Girls

So PaulC shared this article in the Google Reader. As is wont to happen, it made me mad. Please read it first, or this will all make no sense at all. In fact, do yourself a favor and keep it open in the other window so you can refer back and forth.

Are you back? Good. Now here is my point-by-point response to the above article.

1. I stand up for an old person, an injured person, and a person who's been waiting longer than me. Gender plays no part.

2. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. First of all: I wasn’t aware that the Securities and Exchange Commission had a football team. Second: Who the hell cares? You seriously won’t date a guy who likes a different football team than you? That’s as arbitrary as saying you won’t date a guy who doesn’t like bananas.

3. I don't use women's lib as an excuse for anything, and killing bugs is the cat's job. Don't have a cat? Don't come cryin' to me. I respect life in all its forms (and I’m a little afraid of bugs), so I don’t kill anything that’s not trying to kill me unless I’m going to eat it.

4. I do hold doors open. For everybody. I don't hold the door open while someone walks across the parking lot, and I don't stand up to open the door. If I'm near a door and someone walks toward it, whether it’s an old lady, a toddler, my dad or the delivery girl, I open it. The notion that I should hold a door open especially for a woman is demeaning (to me, not them). If a woman without her arms full of things stands and waits for me to open the door for her, she’s shit outta luck. Because that’s just the kind of passive-aggressive son-of-a-bitch I am.

5. Somebody who knows better than I do weigh in, but I feel like any porch that goes up in a day is probably not going to live very long. Also, there are guys who build stuff. Ya know: professionals. They're good at it because they do it all day every day. Support a small business: pay one of those guys to build your stuff for you. That being said, I do enjoy building stuff. But when you want something done right, you pay somebody else to do it for you.

6. Keep your muddy boots out of my house/apartment. Boots are for doing hard work and traversing difficult terrain. If you're not doing either of those things, take 'em off. You look like a moron. That goes for “fancy, l-paid-$l,000-for-these” boots as well.

7. I'll agree not to wear my hat inside when you agree not to wear your bra inside. I feel that to be equally arbitrary. If I’m wearing a hat, it’s for a reason. When that reason goes away, my hat comes off. Unless I don’t have anywhere to put it. I don’t take my hat off just so I can hold it in my hand and look like and idiot. I don’t take it off when I pray, and I don’t take it off for the national anthem (except on special occasions) Shoes go on your feet, and hats go on your head. If you’re holding a hat in your hand, you’re an idiot. Put that thing on your head and use your hands for hand jobs (pun intended).

8. Really? You need a man to do your grillin' for you? I won't argue against fire being the undisputed best way to cook everything, but if you can't figure that shit out for yourself, you're gonna be one of the second wave of zombies.

9. Wow. Where have your standards gone? If a man’s not interested enough in you to show up wherever you are with flowers, you need to say no. That being said, I don’t especially like flowers. So when you show up to ask me out (in person), you can bring me chocolates, beer, red wine, or an interesting rock/plant/bug you found on your way here. Poetry is also acceptable, but if it’s cute you’re getting slapped.

10. Welcome to the 18th century. I find it mildly off-putting (bordering on creepy) when another man does this. He's basically saying "I was taught how to behave in the presence of a lady." Then I get a glare for "being an asshole" because I didn’t stand up. Sorry, no. He’s the asshole for making everyone else feel uncomfortable, while he pisses on our social contract. When the queen (but not the president or the pope. Well… maybe the pope) leaves or comes back to the table, I'll stand. On a date, when you come back from the ladies', I'm not putting down my beer.

11. Okay. I do that. But only sometimes, and only when we first get to a place. That being said, scoot your own ass in. If I have to do it for you, you're getting a booster seat and wearing a bib. Also, I’m informing the wait-staff that today is your thirtieth (or fiftieth, whichever seems more embarrassing) birthday.

12. This is bullshit, and has always been bullshit. I pick up a lot of tabs, and about half the time there are no women even watching me do it. Also: if you ask me out, you'd better expect to pay for the date. I might pay for it because I want to, but when the bill comes, you better try to snatch it away from me. Otherwise there probably won't be a second date. Nothing displays a lack of class so well as inviting someone out and then expecting them to pay for you.

13. STFU. If you don't like the way a guy dresses or does his hair, don't agree to go on a date with him. Or, rise above your base instinct and discover the person under the faux-hawk.

14. Understanding that I tend away from physical violence, I do feel that slapping a person (man or woman) square in the face is the appropriate thing to do when they mis-behave in public. Don’t punch. Punching someone in the face is a direct challenge to physical combat. Someone punches me in the face, a fight just started. Slapping someone in the face, while not damaging or necessarily painful, is always (ALWAYS) humiliating. If I slap someone and then they punch me in the face, they started the fight, not me. That’s pretty much universally-accepted. That being said, if someone slaps me in the face, my immediate reaction is generally to reciprocate in kind. But I don’t mis-behave in public. So, according to the rules that I have just made up, that should never happen.

15. In general, okay. But because I'm feeling obstinate: I'm not your slave. Drink it the way I make it or make it yourself. That also applies to any meal or other food prepared by me. If you don't like what I made, go make yourself something else.

Just what is the opposite of a chauvinist? Women aren't better than men, and they don't deserve special treatment. The fact that they got it for so many years should be considered reparation for the fact that they weren't thought of as people. You can vote and wear pants or you can be treated like children. Not both. That being said, when a man and a woman go on a date, it's about politics, not gender. One of them wants something from the other and a certain amount of ass-kissing is not unreasonable. But the fact that they expect and demand it is a gross mis-conception of the situation.

Now that I’ve gotten all that out: is all this stuff good advice for a man on a date? With the exception of rooting for the Southern English Channel football team, yes. Is it fair that women expect it? No.