But what do I know? I'm just a twice clicken brown shirt teabaggin tjroll. Right? --PatP

Not now. There are dirty, swaying men at my door. They’re looking for Brian. I need to go deal with that. --Thor

If Joss Wedon was near me, I'd of kicked his ass. --PaulC

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Why You Shouldn’t Bother With Southern Girls

So PaulC shared this article in the Google Reader. As is wont to happen, it made me mad. Please read it first, or this will all make no sense at all. In fact, do yourself a favor and keep it open in the other window so you can refer back and forth.

Are you back? Good. Now here is my point-by-point response to the above article.

1. I stand up for an old person, an injured person, and a person who's been waiting longer than me. Gender plays no part.

2. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. First of all: I wasn’t aware that the Securities and Exchange Commission had a football team. Second: Who the hell cares? You seriously won’t date a guy who likes a different football team than you? That’s as arbitrary as saying you won’t date a guy who doesn’t like bananas.

3. I don't use women's lib as an excuse for anything, and killing bugs is the cat's job. Don't have a cat? Don't come cryin' to me. I respect life in all its forms (and I’m a little afraid of bugs), so I don’t kill anything that’s not trying to kill me unless I’m going to eat it.

4. I do hold doors open. For everybody. I don't hold the door open while someone walks across the parking lot, and I don't stand up to open the door. If I'm near a door and someone walks toward it, whether it’s an old lady, a toddler, my dad or the delivery girl, I open it. The notion that I should hold a door open especially for a woman is demeaning (to me, not them). If a woman without her arms full of things stands and waits for me to open the door for her, she’s shit outta luck. Because that’s just the kind of passive-aggressive son-of-a-bitch I am.

5. Somebody who knows better than I do weigh in, but I feel like any porch that goes up in a day is probably not going to live very long. Also, there are guys who build stuff. Ya know: professionals. They're good at it because they do it all day every day. Support a small business: pay one of those guys to build your stuff for you. That being said, I do enjoy building stuff. But when you want something done right, you pay somebody else to do it for you.

6. Keep your muddy boots out of my house/apartment. Boots are for doing hard work and traversing difficult terrain. If you're not doing either of those things, take 'em off. You look like a moron. That goes for “fancy, l-paid-$l,000-for-these” boots as well.

7. I'll agree not to wear my hat inside when you agree not to wear your bra inside. I feel that to be equally arbitrary. If I’m wearing a hat, it’s for a reason. When that reason goes away, my hat comes off. Unless I don’t have anywhere to put it. I don’t take my hat off just so I can hold it in my hand and look like and idiot. I don’t take it off when I pray, and I don’t take it off for the national anthem (except on special occasions) Shoes go on your feet, and hats go on your head. If you’re holding a hat in your hand, you’re an idiot. Put that thing on your head and use your hands for hand jobs (pun intended).

8. Really? You need a man to do your grillin' for you? I won't argue against fire being the undisputed best way to cook everything, but if you can't figure that shit out for yourself, you're gonna be one of the second wave of zombies.

9. Wow. Where have your standards gone? If a man’s not interested enough in you to show up wherever you are with flowers, you need to say no. That being said, I don’t especially like flowers. So when you show up to ask me out (in person), you can bring me chocolates, beer, red wine, or an interesting rock/plant/bug you found on your way here. Poetry is also acceptable, but if it’s cute you’re getting slapped.

10. Welcome to the 18th century. I find it mildly off-putting (bordering on creepy) when another man does this. He's basically saying "I was taught how to behave in the presence of a lady." Then I get a glare for "being an asshole" because I didn’t stand up. Sorry, no. He’s the asshole for making everyone else feel uncomfortable, while he pisses on our social contract. When the queen (but not the president or the pope. Well… maybe the pope) leaves or comes back to the table, I'll stand. On a date, when you come back from the ladies', I'm not putting down my beer.

11. Okay. I do that. But only sometimes, and only when we first get to a place. That being said, scoot your own ass in. If I have to do it for you, you're getting a booster seat and wearing a bib. Also, I’m informing the wait-staff that today is your thirtieth (or fiftieth, whichever seems more embarrassing) birthday.

12. This is bullshit, and has always been bullshit. I pick up a lot of tabs, and about half the time there are no women even watching me do it. Also: if you ask me out, you'd better expect to pay for the date. I might pay for it because I want to, but when the bill comes, you better try to snatch it away from me. Otherwise there probably won't be a second date. Nothing displays a lack of class so well as inviting someone out and then expecting them to pay for you.

13. STFU. If you don't like the way a guy dresses or does his hair, don't agree to go on a date with him. Or, rise above your base instinct and discover the person under the faux-hawk.

14. Understanding that I tend away from physical violence, I do feel that slapping a person (man or woman) square in the face is the appropriate thing to do when they mis-behave in public. Don’t punch. Punching someone in the face is a direct challenge to physical combat. Someone punches me in the face, a fight just started. Slapping someone in the face, while not damaging or necessarily painful, is always (ALWAYS) humiliating. If I slap someone and then they punch me in the face, they started the fight, not me. That’s pretty much universally-accepted. That being said, if someone slaps me in the face, my immediate reaction is generally to reciprocate in kind. But I don’t mis-behave in public. So, according to the rules that I have just made up, that should never happen.

15. In general, okay. But because I'm feeling obstinate: I'm not your slave. Drink it the way I make it or make it yourself. That also applies to any meal or other food prepared by me. If you don't like what I made, go make yourself something else.

Just what is the opposite of a chauvinist? Women aren't better than men, and they don't deserve special treatment. The fact that they got it for so many years should be considered reparation for the fact that they weren't thought of as people. You can vote and wear pants or you can be treated like children. Not both. That being said, when a man and a woman go on a date, it's about politics, not gender. One of them wants something from the other and a certain amount of ass-kissing is not unreasonable. But the fact that they expect and demand it is a gross mis-conception of the situation.

Now that I’ve gotten all that out: is all this stuff good advice for a man on a date? With the exception of rooting for the Southern English Channel football team, yes. Is it fair that women expect it? No.


  1. Dood,
    you know I love you, and you know that this needs a reply. :)

    many of your points are spot on, for example, football. Really? Who cares. Porch? Who cares AND I agree, a one day porch? hmm... BUT, I do think that there is a bigger, higher level issue here "Be able to participate in building a porch." You do NOT want to be the guy that sits on the sidelines because you can't swing a hammer.

    BUT, hats? No. Do NOT wear them in the house, and if you want to wear a hat, for the love of Xenu consider something OTHER than a baseball hat. Currently I am digging the pork pie (hat that is). Wear a hat in my house, and I will ask you to remove it once, then I will remove it for you.

    Standing for a woman. Should you, categorically, stand every time that a lady approaches the table. No. If you are saying to yourself "shit, I better stand" then don't bother. BUT, if you are thinking "that woman is, by a wide margin, the single most wonderful person here (maybe ANYWHERE) and I am so glad that she is here." You will, unwittingly, find yourself standing up, taking her hand, and guiding her to her chair. If you say "uh, no, I wont" then you have never felt that way, and that's fine. Have you never stood up when a man approached the table? I have. In fact, I have done that when YOU have shown up. "HEY! That's my nephew/godson/friend Andy! I am SO glad that he is here! Lemme give him a hug!"

    I will always stand for a woman or an older man and offer my seat. Why? I think "If that was Samantha, would I want someone to offer HER a seat?" and the answer is "yes", so I do. Same goes for holding the door open.

    Now, for the reciprocal.

    Ways for a woman to woo PaulC.

    Appreciate SciFi and horror movies. Really, don't be the woman that REFUSES to watch a good movie because it involves an FTL drive or zombies. And bonus points for knowing what an FTL drive is.

    Enjoy a drink, but don't be a drunk. It is so nice to be able to go to a bar or restaurant and have a drink and not have to worry about your date embarrassing you, either by getting too drunk, or refusing to drink.

    Don't be needy. Yes, I will stand for you when you approach the table, I will smile at you, and I will guide you to your chair. I will be charming, and you will be charmed. BUT, if I am distracted and I DON'T stand, it doesn't mean that I think any less of you, it just means that I am distracted.

    Don't be a sexist. Never say "that's a man's job" or "that's a woman's job".

    Never say "no". Yes, I understand that sometimes the correct answer is "no", but really try to avoid it. "want to go see the latest zombie movie?" or "want to go to the tractor pull?" should bowlth illicit a positive response. Will it HURT you to go? Then go.

    Know the proper use of to, too, and two.

    Don't be jealous. When I see a dead ringer for a 40 year old Sophia Loren at the bar and I faint, don't get mad at me or be jealous. I am here with YOU, I WANT to be here with you, and I AM going home with you, but hey, 40 year old Sophia Loren...

    I AM funny, get used to it.

  2. Heh. Too many twos to contemplate. The girl from Wyoming who WANTS her guy to fight(#1,#14). The girl from Pittsburgh who wouldn't let an SEC fan within 20 feet(#2[Gamecocks, really?]) The grunge girl from Seattle who does NOT go crazy bout a sharp dressed man(#13). The Denali chick who thinks a man in anything but boots is just wrong even in church(#6). The list goes on and on.

    The rest is just good manners. A wise man once said "I will always stand for a woman or an older man and offer my seat". He's the guy dreaming about the girl who looks like Sophia isn't needy and knows what an FTL drive is. Good manners AND good taste.

    I think its not out of the realm to think a wise man, finding Sofia with a Biloxi accent, might find himself in a white suit with a bow tie, drinking sun tea laced with southern comfort, discussing Nathan Bedford Forrest and Gamecock.

  3. @Pat EXACTLY!
    uncle pat for the win!

  4. Again, I'm not saying that all this stuff is bad advice. It's not. But coming from a woman, it's demeaning, because she's asking to be treated differently because she's better than me.

    If I'm at your house and you tell me to take my hat off, I probably will. If there's a good reason for me to keep it on (as previously mentioned), I'll say "yeah, but I've just wanged my head on the car door and it's holding the ice pack on." Then you will (I believe) be okay with my hat being on. When I'm wearing a hat and I enter a building, I continue wearing my hat. There's no good reason I should take it off.

    I respect the pork pie, but I've always been a fan of the fedora and the baseball cap (why the hate?). A ballcap is a good option for hiding your mop on a bad hair day or keeping bird shit off your head in a warehouse (if you work in a warehouse, this is a huge concern). Also good for those of us with longer locks to help keep them out of our workspace. A fedora, on the other hand, goes with almost anything, and adds a touch of class to just about any outfit. Not jeans and t-shirt.

    And ya know what else? I wear my shades in the mall. If it's bright outside, it's bright in the mall, because they light it with big holes in the ceiling. When I walk into a store, I take them off so I can see. When I go back out into the mall, on they go.

    If someone I know walks in and I want to shake their hand, give them a hug or punch them in the baby-maker, I will stand up to do said thing. But standing up just to prove that your mama taught you right is what we're talking about, and that is just stupid.

    "If that was Samantha, would I want someone to offer her a seat?" I think that's a purely sexist notion and it ought to be defeated. I'm not saying it's wrong for some dude to give up his seat for Samantha (or any other woman). But it's not okay to get pissed if he doesn't, or if he offers it to a man instead. You probably don't give a jewel-encrusted golden turd if somebody offers Hans a seat or not. Because he's a him.

    Bottom line: women don't deserve special treatment because they're not better than me. People deserve to be treated with respect and dignity because you're not better than the rest of them (at least in theory). If you want to do something nice for another human being, I'm all for it. But no class of human inherently deserves special treatment. That's really the big point I was trying to make.

    "I think its not out of the realm to think a wise man, finding Sofia with a Biloxi accent, might find himself in a white suit with a bow tie, drinking sun tea laced with southern comfort, discussing Nathan Bedford Forrest and Gamecock."

    I'm not real sure how to respond to this, but I feel the need to comment, so here are some randoms, followed by an opinion. I don't own a white suit and I don't grok the nature of the bow tie. My feeling is it's too cute to be worn with dignity by anyone who's never killed a nazi. I also don't understand the obsession with Sofia Loren.

    When I hear "Gamecock" I think it means "the woody I get when I'm winning at Quake (remember Quake?)." But it probably really means "the rooster you can shoot."

    I think I get what you're saying, and I think that I agree. As an addendum, let me share a story (see next comment):

  5. Kerry and I had just finished dinner one night, and sat down to watch a movie. "What do you want to watch?" I asked. She thought about it for a moment, and said: "Let's watch Starship Troopers." I cried a little. My Facebook status the next day read "I win at wife-getting."

    She may not look like Sofia Loren and she can be a little needy, but she knows what an FTL drive is, she knows who to call when you need a starship captain (Patrick Stewart), she plays Risk, and she insists that we are going to the first annual New England ComiCon in October. I guess I should be satisfied and give up the foolish hope that she'll ever play Dungeons & Dragons or Warhammer 40k.

    And yes, I hold the door for her, get up from my desk when she gets home from work, grill her steak, pull out her chair, send her flowers at work and fix her rum and diet coke with lime "just the way she likes it." But I don't wear boots, and I don't kill the bugs. But I will sic the cat on them.

  6. 4096 char limit, so multi post...

    Baseball hat says "I am a crowd following douche that is afraid to show any sort of individuality." I would argue that if you would wear a baseball hat, a pork pie would be a better alternative. Even the warehouse. Show some individuality and some class. Need help? Check out Hanson's hats, he has at least two pork pies.

    You (might be) missing the point. If Betty approaches the table, and I smile at her and say "Hello" as she takes her seat, there is nothing wrong with that. I was polite, and cordial, everyone is happy. BUT, then Jil shows up, I see her across the room walking towards the table, I stand and meet her at her chair and pull her chair out for her. Now Betty thinks "WTF? Why didn't he do that for ME?" Its subtle, it's very "karma-ish". NOW Karen shows up, if I stand, Jil thinks "how polite" and Betty things "ass clown". BUT Jil detects that Betty thinks that I am an ass clown and now Jil thinks less of me. Shit, why didn't I just stand for Betty? Another example. Ryan shows up, I say "Hi Ryan" and remain seated. Then Andy shows up, I stand and give him a big hug and tell him that it's great to see him. Ryan thinks "PaulC doesn't think that it's great to see ME?" Go ahead and say "there is no correlation", but you KNOW that it's what happens.

  7. So it's not about individual encounters, but it's hard to not let it turn into that. It's about commanding a room, taking charge, and making everyone feel like you are in charge. It's like those beer ads "The most interesting man in the world". When you walk into a room do you want people's eyes to slide off of you and forget about you, or do you want them to take notice of you and later say "who was the tall guy with the pork pie?" :) I get it, you are married and your life path has never put you in a position where you HAVE to control a room. So you may be thinking "Bullshit, I am me, take it or bite me." And that's cool too. But when you are in a position (personal or work) where you need to impress, then you do these things, and when you do, people notice; and when people notice, women's instincts take over and they say "THAT guy can take care of a family, he is in charge". Woman prefer rich men; NOT because they are greedy and want nice things, it's the animal instinct that says "that male is higher up the pecking order and can take care of my brood." So its NORMAL for the southern woman to say "these things I like" and have it include what appears at first glance to be sexist acts, but in fact they are not. Recall the blog post about things a man should master (cant find it now), MANY of them involved wooing women, directly or indirectly.

    But I can't explain the football. :)

  8. As for someone holding the door for Samantha... Its more about setting a good example for bowlth Hanson AND Sam. I want Sam to say "my mate needs to open the door for me and others, it shows strength, and that he cares." Sexist? I say "no". And I want Hanson to say "Ahh, we hold the door open for people, got it." Last summer Hanson and I spent a couple of hours cleaning out the 80 year old neighbor's garage and putting up shelves. Hanson never batted an eye, he never complained, he just jumped in and we did it because it would have been VERY uncool to let her do it herself. NOT because it was a woman, because she was 80. It's hard to say "We don't hold doors open, but we DO build shelves and clean garages." I need to set an example, so I do.

    As for the white suit... I believe that Uncle Pat's point was that if I fell in love with a beautiful southern woman, she would undoubtedly have me in a classic southern gentleman's role in no time. As far as he goes, he is correct. I would either fill the role, or dump her, but there would be NO point in sticking around and NOT sipping the sun tea. Hey man, all in or all out.

  9. Sophia Loren? Dood, REALLY? Classic, beautiful, sexy, Italian accent. What the hell are you missing?

    You sir, are a dill hole. You don't wear boots or kill bugs because Kerry doesn't WANT (or need) you to. If Kerry was a "kill the bug" kind of woman, then you would either kill the bugs or be with a different woman. You hold the door open for her and make her dinner and get her flowers? Sexist. BUT, you will have kids (I cant wait!) and you will say "I want Paul to show his mother the proper respect, and I want him to be compassionate and for everyone to love him." SO, you will open the door for Kerry, and Sam, and anyone else, because you want to set the example, you will help the neighbors with their garage, etc. (AND I am SO happy that you are naming your son Paul! )

  10. And as for "I win at wife getting" yes, you won the lottery; you did not win the contest. You never had to impress Kerry, you never had to woo her, you never had to show her why you are clearly superior to every other male on the planet. She may think that you are, but you had no competition, it was you against you. I am not being negative, you guys have a great relationship and it shows. But you say things like "and I don't give a fuck." Yeah, because you don't HAVE to; if you were single you would either change that tune or die single. I am 44 years old, and believe me when I say "I give a fuck". I would NEVER wear a baseball hat because if a woman see's me in a baseball hat she will either like it or not, and either one is bad. She likes baseball hats? Great, go find a 20 year old, good luck. She doesn't like baseball hats? Shit, and here I am wearing one. Now the same thing with a pork pie. She likes it? Great, she appreciates the individual and has some class and a sense of style. She DOESN'T like it? NEXT! :)

    Anyway, its two fold. One is "need to find a mate, must show female of species that I am the best." This includes, but is not limited to, being charming. The second is karma, you should always try to do the right thing and make people feel good, do it, it's worth it.

    Sorry, that was pretty dam random. :)

  11. I think that about says it all. Remember, the title of this little discussion isn't Why You Shouldn't Bother With Girls. I mean, right?

  12. 2: SEC is the southeastern conference; anyone who watches march madness knows that.

    3: I am not at all squeamish about killing bugs! Blood yes, bugs no.

    4: I agree with Andy - I will hold the door open for anyone with their hands full. I don't need anyone to hold the door for me. I will thank them if they do, but I would never be angry at anyone, including a man, for not holding the door open for me.

    I'm too tired to comment anymore . . . goodnight